ALBUM OF THE WEAK: PLAYING WITH FIRE

Ahh K-Fiz. Granted, an easy target. But we just couldn't help ourselves.

Every boy growing up dreams of one day being a dancer. Not just any dancer. A backup dancer. But sometimes, being a backup dancer just isn't enough. You want more. You deserve more. You strive for more.

Cut to K-Fed. Successful backup dancer. Seducer of unsuspecting teen icons. Unfit father of four. The man had everything. But he just had to go and play with fire.

Let's be honest, if anyone deserves press, it's K-Fed. Four years late catching the Eminem train, K-Fed has been left stranded at the crowded bus stop of bad rap. How do you point him out from the rest you ask? Well for starters, look for the honky from the self-proclaimed "mean streets of Fresno" with four kids who will change their last names at the first available opportunity. Number one and two, in no particular order, conceived with Shar Johnson of Moesha fame (yes, THAT Moesha fame), have been blessed with the middle-namesakes of a) every young child's best friend, Michael Jackson, and b) who cares, the first one got stuck with Michael Jackson. The second set of unfortunate little bastards are likely to spend the rest of their lives in a Starbucks drive-thru with teen pop-idol Britney Spears. If we believe the stories, she happily gave it all up for this douchebag. Can you believe she's from Louisiana? (Noticed how we haven't talked about his music? That's because nobody else wants to, either.)

We knew we wouldn't be able to endure the torturous task of actually interviewing him in person, but based on his stellar new musical offering (blech), here's how we thought it might go had we been knighted by such stupiditity:

PC: How's it going, K-Fed?
K-Fed: "I been at the club every day of the week"
PC: Oh, I guess that's pretty cool K-Fed.
K-Fed: "They ain't never seen a kid run like this"
PC: I was going to say that you do look a little like Flo-Jo.
K-Fed: "In Portugese it means bring your ass on the floor, and move it real fast."
PC: I didn't know you could speak Portugese! Did you learn that on the mean streets of Fresno?
K-Fed: "Well maybe, baby, you could wait and see; until then all these Pavarottis be followin' me"
PC: Well it's a good thing you're as fast as you are then. It's rare that you see a practical application for such a trait. Oh, and don't call me baby, Feminem. Get the fuck out of here.

Did you have a bad day? So did K-Fed. His album (rightfully) is a flop. His shows are being cancelled (rightfully) left and right. Hell, his debut concert infront of 300 (disgruntaled) fans at a venue that could have held 1500 (disgruntaled) fans lasted less than half an hour. Hey, at least he broke one personal record.

And to top it off? Mr. Britney Spears has just lost the Britney Spears, who sited irreconcilable differences as the cause for her filing divorce papers. Irreconcilable differences? What, was there too much separation between a twinky that gave up her talent and a twinky that never had any?

Now as the sun sets on K-Fed's big day, it would appear that in the time it takes to load his cool flash website, complete with gansta font and hood-rat merch, K-Fed's hopes of achieving musical-genious status have fizzled out like a match missing half it's head.

Play with fire and you're gonna get burned. Play this album and you'll be burning yourself. Ahhh K-Fed, thanks for the memories...

WELCOME TO POP CHOPPED

These days substance doesn't sell. If you haven't already noticed, reality TV seems to be a combination of "real" people and "real" scripts that generally have nothing to do with "reality". The billboard charts and grammy nods are reserved for debeauants and Menudo alumni. Remember Jingle All The Way? The people who spent a combined $183,000,000 to see it probably don't either. Welcome to Pop Chopped, your guide to the best of the worst of what they think you'll like; a blog that's making bad entertainment decisions so you don't have to. Check back often as we've got a lot of material to cover.